I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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2 years later
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Those are good neighbors.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
sleeping beauty
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet