ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.