Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?