WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I can’t wait!
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.