Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
You Might Also Like
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.