me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
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Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Does your wife know you’re single?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”