-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
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Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I wish all tests were things you peed on
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.