By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Not😆🤣
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.