“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
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You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think