Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
It do be feeling this way.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time