No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car