“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Worst perfume name ever.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.