My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
You Might Also Like
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.