probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.