Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
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Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..