Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink