People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
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[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Every BBC series about the universe.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.