I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos