EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
You Might Also Like
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
The biggest mystery of our time
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.