Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
You Might Also Like
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
can you read it!!??
maan!
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died