Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
You Might Also Like
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
fourth time’s the charm
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale