We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Important reminders
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band