*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.