I hope they boil the right one.
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me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know