Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
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I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Bro what is this
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
What a website
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.