Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
he chose this
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒