*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.