My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.