You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
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Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.