Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
You Might Also Like
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.