If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
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Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
*jingles half the way*
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up