Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
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[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.