I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
A woman drives into a bar.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.