Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond