“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
You Might Also Like
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you