What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
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If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.