Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
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[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around