When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
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She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied