Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
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You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!