My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken