It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*