Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?