*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
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a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”