Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?