[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
🤔😂😂
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.