-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
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Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
is it earth
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
sounds kinky. i’m in.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.