Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
The dark side of Canada
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Finally! 😈
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”