Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.