I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
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it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*