Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
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There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
This could’ve been an email.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork